Check out this extract from Toni Lodge's memoir I Don't Need Therapy (and other lies I've told myself).
Reasons the world is against me— pedestrian crossings
I don’t like people who are rude. I’m loud and obnoxious, which is different from rude. I’d never be rude to someone. Even if there was a reason, I’d probably say approximately sixteen horrible things in my head then smile far too wide and be over-the-top polite. Actually, that’s probably also pretty rude . . .
Okay, I’ll reassess.
I hate inconveniencing people. I never want to be the reason someone is late or put out or thrown off schedule. I’m irritatingly early and always organised. Need a pen? I have three. Got a scratchy throat? Have a Strepsil. Accidentally met a cat and need an antihistamine? You know I’ve got some Claratyne in my bag.
Unfortunately, I hold others to the same standard. I find lateness incredibly disrespectful, and someone rocking up to a meeting and saying, ‘Does anyone have a pen I could borrow?’ sends shivers down my spine quicker than stepping into a walk-in freezer.
Is this expectation unfair? Absolutely. Can I stop it? No. If I can make things run like clockwork, then why can’t others? I’d never intentionally inconvenience someone else, so WHY do other people do it to ME? It seems only fair, doesn’t it?
This brings me to something that sends me to boiling point almost daily: pedestrian crossings.
No one likes being stuck in traffic. It’s claustrophobic, frustrating and a waste of time. With all of that in mind, who would EVER make being stuck in traffic worse? These people.
In Australia, pedestrian crossings use push-buttons, where a pedestrian pushes a button to alert the system that it needs to stop the flow of car traffic so they can cross. Basically, the button stops cars by changing the traffic light from green to red.
Now, people who push the button, stop the traffic and cross happily and safely with their dog/baby/shopping trolley/whatever aren’t the problem.
Here’s the problem: people who push the button and then run across the road when it’s quiet instead of waiting for the lights to change. They deserve a fine. People who press the button and then walk on by deserve to be jailed.
YOU CAN’T PRESS THE BUTTON AND FUCK THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC FOR NO REASON.
And before anyone sends me hate mail about how that’s not how it works—yes it is.
I don’t care if this seems like a massive overreaction, it is disrespectful and incredibly frustrating. Just the other day, I was driving to work to record the podcast. I was not running late, despite heavy traffic (I had obviously built a buffer of fifteen minutes into my journey), but it was getting close. I was at a three-way intersection in my little hatchback, probably listening to Lorde, when I saw a group of youths hit EVERY pedestrian crossing button, and then KEEP ON WALKING in the other direction.
They had no need to hit even ONE of the buttons, but they did it, and added probably an extra three to four minutes to my journey. FOR NO REASON.
This proves that the world is against me. I am a victim and I would like to campaign to introduce enforceable fines for people pressing buttons WILLY-NILLY.
I Don't Need Therapy
(and other lies I've told myself)
By Toni Lodge
A hilarious memoir of home truths and whatever the opposite of 'that girl energy' is, from one half of the hit podcast Toni and Ryan.
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