Listen to (or read) an extract from Plot Twist by Jana Firestone.
Expert therapist and podcast host of The Curious Life, Jana Firestone, discusses the lasting effects of grief, and how we can recover from losing a loved one.
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Filling the Void
Filling the void is something that most of us do without thinking. It’s a protective mechanism that steps in unconsciously to manage the absence or distress we might be in. It’s all part of finding meaning in this new phase of our lives as we embark on the next chapter.
But how do we actually make meaning out of these unwanted plot twists when we’re coursing through uncharted waters? For some people, it’s about creating a legacy for the person they’ve lost. For others, it can be about living a good life in their honour. It might mean taking a professional hit and hustling hard to pivot in a new direction. It might be finding a new reason for living. The key is knowing that we can and will make meaning out of these seemingly senseless deviations—it just might take a little work, reflection and time.
In my own life, and in the lives of the people I have interviewed for my podcast episodes, there is almost no way to imagine that this awful thing could turn into something hopeful in the early days of a curveball. There’s a misconception that reflecting on the positives can diminish the importance of the loss—or, on the other hand, that we can’t look back with regrets because the things that happened shape who we become.
It goes without saying that, in my case, I would give anything to have my mum back in my life, alive and well, a grandmother to my children. But with the hindsight of the last twenty years behind me, I can see now where so many new paths opened up and my direction changed for the better after her death. I would still give up every one of those things in a heartbeat to bring her back, but since I don’t have that kind of magic, I am choosing to see and celebrate the parts of my life that have bloomed and evolved out of my pain.
My grief has afforded me a much deeper understanding of the world and the human experience. I comprehend things on a level that I would not have before. I also share an unspoken understanding with others who have been through similar experiences, who have had to grapple with the same kinds of losses as I have experienced.
The world becomes smaller in a beautiful way when you have shared experiences. And when we’ve been dealt a shitty hand, knowing that there are others who have gone on to have rich and meaningful lives following tragedies and deviations can be inspiring.
The thing about grief—and all the small and big changes in our lives—is that we don’t ever ‘get over’ them; we just learn to live with them. There isn’t a finite amount of space in our hearts that can be filled with love or pain. When we lose someone or something we loved, or we grieve a future that we won’t get to see play out, this is not the end of our story. Our lives will continue through the pain, through the hurt. We will continue to grow and learn, and our pain will change shape.
With time, we build new layers of life around the hurt and the pain, or the loss and the grief. Our life grows around it, like the healing of a wound. The scar remains as a reminder of what we have been through, and the cells are never quite the same.
That plot twist that has thrown us off course becomes part of our new story—a story in which we are in control of the narrative, where the next chapter begins.
Just as we know that grief has many different faces, even within our own experience, so too does recovery. And like grief, the path forward is not linear. We have to find what works for us, and scramble towards survival. In the immediate aftermath of loss, it’s about doing whatever works. In the maintenance phase, we’re literally just maintaining our lives, treading that water, even in the choppiest of seas.
We all have that urge within us to escape the parts of life that are painful and to fill the void with things that make us feel good. But as time moves forward, it’s important to be reflective and work on our self-awareness. If things are starting to feel out of balance, it might be time to change things up again.
Try to remain in the present and not worry about what comes next. It’s just one foot in front of the other, one single day at a time.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
Could there be feelings that you have been avoiding dealing with? Ask yourself honestly: What parts of my life could use a little tune-up?
Ask yourself: Am I spending more time in loss-oriented or restoration-oriented activities?
Keep track of how you’re spending your time and energy. Examine whether there might be ways to create more balance. Take an inventory of your friendships, hobbies, routines and habits—sometimes seeing them in black and white, on paper, helps to work out what might be missing or what might need a little nudge.
As always, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if it feels as though your friends and family are less actively engaged in your emotional experience at this stage, most would still be grateful for the opportunity to step in again if needed. As would a therapist, of course.
Plot Twist
By Jana Firestone
A candid field guide to growing through grief and navigating change when life takes an unexpected turn, from an expert therapist and the host of The Curious Life podcast.
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