Read an extract from Strap Yourself In by Amy Gerard.
By the time I was in my late twenties, I felt so confident in who I was as a person, and in what I could offer in all different types of relationships, whether platonic or romantic. I did not put up with anyone’s bullshit. I was never going to let anyone drag me or my self-esteem down again.
Then, when I had my first child, well . . . shit. Afterwards I felt like a goddamn warrior. Motherhood does something incredibly special to a woman’s self-confidence, give or take the first couple of months when you feel like roadkill—but even when I looked like Charlize Theron in Monster I still felt invincible. My body was battered and bruised and full of little scars, like a map of the journey I had been on, but I was so proud of it. In my early twenties I was covered head to toe in foundation, hair always ironed straight and make-up on daily, and I was always fixated on maintaining a certain weight. After my first kid, I barely washed my hair, would occasionally wear make-up on the weekends if I had something on, my left tit weighed about fifty-five kilos, my legs hadn’t seen the sun in months and were a light shade of purple they were that pale, my thighs chafed just walking to the coffee shop, my face was spotty and white in between all the kisses from the sun that would be on show after a shower . . . and yet I was the most confident I had ever been in my life. Because I am SO MUCH MORE THAN HOW I LOOK. I was a motherfucken human-life
creator/grower/birther/ titty-feeder/keeper-aliver. I created a human and here I was keeping it alive with my body. My once half-empty confidence cup was overflowing because I was responsible for something so much more important than my looks. I have been fearlessly accepting myself ever since becoming a mum, and consequently hope my children master the art of self-love (and hopefully in less time than it took me to!).
Motherhood helped me to finally come into my own and become the person I always felt like I should have been, or that I always wanted to be. I feel more grounded, free and comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before. Self-confidence is not a gift that is engraved into your DNA. It’s also not something that you get from others when they pat you on the back. Self-confidence comes from small victories and successes. It’s those baby steps and trial-and-error situations that will help your confidence flourish, allowing you to tackle even bigger challenges. In my case, one of those bigger challenges was having three kids . . . my first two were the trial-and-error babies lol.
Today I truly have such little time or care for what other people think of me that I live completely and utterly without inhibitions. This morning I went to grab a coffee, fresh-faced in Rhian’s oversized t-shirt, and it was only when I was walking into the coffee shop that I realised I had forgotten to wear pants. Twenty-one-year-old Amy would have NEVER. When I think of who I am as a person and how I’m perceived, my physical appearance doesn’t even come into it. I still have freckles (although faded dramatically now). I am kind, thoughtful and considerate, and would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it. I bring a good energy and will always strive to make you laugh. My friendship door is always open, and I love listening to people and helping where I can.
I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea but who would want to be? I know who I am and what I have to offer. My focus in life is to be happy, and my motto of not giving a fuck is not about being rude: it is simply about refusing to focus on the negative energy. If I could go back in time to my sweet sixteen-year-old self and tell her that beauty is just a superficial quality that does not reflect the true essence of a person’s character, values or personality, I would—but I doubt she would listen. Our looks can be deceiving, as they really don’t have any correlation to our depth, kindness and intelligence as individuals. No one should ever define someone solely based on their appearance, but rather on their actions, beliefs and inner qualities.
Finding self-confidence, and learning to love and accept yourself, is an ongoing process that takes time and effort, but it can definitely be achieved by focusing on a few key areas.
Here are my tips on how you can be kinder to yourself.
1. Identify your strengths—the things you are good at. Are you a good listener? Do you have a great energy that people want to be around? Do you make people feel included? Are you an exceptional cook who loves feeding people? List your positive qualities, achievements and skills. Then make sure you always celebrate your successes and acknowledge your abilities. Bring those to the forefront when you meet new people and be proud of what kind of person you are by sharing these parts of yourself with others.
2. Challenge your negative thoughts. When you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to say out loud three things that you love about your appearance. For example: ‘I love the way my eyes smile when I smile.’ Recognise your negative self-talk and challenge it with positive affirmations. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and be gentle when you make mistakes or experience setbacks. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and focus again on your strengths and all that you have accomplished. (I’m not just talking about negative thoughts about your appearance here; it might be your career, or your role as a mother, or anything.) Your brain is so powerful and you have control over it. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night after watching the news, my thoughts can turn to all the horrible things that could potentially happen to my kids. So I sit up in bed and I tell myself that they are safe and loved, and then I try to picture them at their twenty-first birthday parties or at their weddings. (I’m still unsure if this is something I need to go and actually talk to a counsellor about, or if it’s just normal worried-mum stuff, but I digress . . .)
3. Practise self-care. Take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing by trying to get enough sleep (‘try’ being the operative word when you are a mum), eating a healthy diet (with Oporto occasionally) and exercising two or three times a week (can also just be chasing after kids, because that’s what I did heavily for four years: I was a platinum member at my own home gym). Do things that genuinely make your heart soar! Go out dancing with your girlfriends. Buy yourself a new dress for a nice lunch with your mum. Book yourself an international trip. Get yourself a killer blow-dry and go out for a nice meal with your partner. When you feel good about yourself, you are more likely to feel confident!
4. Learn to say no to things, and ‘Piss off ’ to people who make you sad and situations that don’t serve you well. Set boundaries and set them firmly. To protect your time and your energy.
5. Step out of your comfort zone when you can. The best thing I ever did was book a one-way flight to England. It changed everything for me and proved to me that I was capable of handling new situations and challenges. It pushes you to step up in areas that you wouldn’t normally step up in. It’s scary but so, so rewarding, and will help your confidence flourish at the same time.
6. Focus on what does make you feel good. Invest in some nice skin care and a few pieces of make-up to accentuate your natural beauty. Book yourself in for a haircut or change up your colour. Try something new to mix things up. Change is always good, especially if you feel like you are in a bit of a rut. Buy yourself a new outfit that complements your shape. (None of this needs to be expensive.) Flirt with a cute barista, go dancing with your girlfriends and let your hair down, and never compare yourself to women online. Remember that the only person’s opinion of how you look (that matters) is yours, so invest the time in falling back in love with yourself!
7. Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you in all facets of your life. You are the company you hang around so choose your tribe wisely. And stay the fuck out of toxic relationships.
8. My final tip—and some of you will probably roll your eyes when you read this—is GRATITUDE. Focusing on what you have rather than what you lack instantly changes your entire mindset. There’s always good stuff going on in your life, even on the darkest days when you feel like you are drowning in the bad. Without trying to sound like a walking motivational quote/tosser, I think that if you shift your mindset to a positive one, your perspective towards things will change over time too. I practise gratitude daily. And in turn I’ve made positive thinking a habit. I look for the silver linings in the everyday. I laugh off the things I can’t control and work on the things I can. I try every day to be a better person and a better mum for my kids, and every time I screw up along the way (read: all the time), I get back up and try again. You can practise gratitude for anything from watching the sun rise to the delicious brekkie you made without setting anything on fire, feeling safe in your neighbourhood, hitting climax multiple times before your partner did, or even booking a girls’ trip. All of these things are wonderful things to be grateful for. Never compare yourself. Think of others frequently. Try not to be an asshole.
Strap Yourself In
by Amy Gerard
A laugh-out-loud, deeply relatable memoir challenging our unrealistic expectations of motherhood and life.
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